Another Sync Article

It matters to me
Ginny Wiedower
Wednesday, August 13, 2008

“When he's not drunk he's only stuck on himself, and then he has the nerve to say he needs a decent girl.” Jackson Johnson, from the song “Posters”

Thank you, Jack Johnson, for writing a lyric that represents one of the great mysteries of life. Or at least my life.

A few Saturday nights ago I went out with some of my friends. I ran into an old acquaintance from high school and college and we talked for a few minutes. He asked what I was doing now, and I told him that I just bought a house and that I just got a new job. He responded, “Yeah man, I've been trying to hang out with girls that really have their sh*t together lately. That's awesome.” Good for you acquaintance.

Later in the evening I saw this same person, who only hours earlier professed his need to hang out with girls who have their act together, being dragged out of the bar by security for fighting in his drunken stooper. Even better, he was fighting the person he came to the bar with. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy does not have his sh*t together.

I fully understand and appreciate the fact that no one is perfect (myself very much included). I'm sorry, really I am, but I just can't wrap my mind around how people who clearly don't have their acts together can think that what they need is someone who does.

One of the issues with this scenario is that the person who thinks that all they need is a “good girl” or “good guy” in their life to solve all of their problems and inspire them to fly right is waiting on a person to be their catalyst to change. Or even worse, they are waiting on a person to come along and wave a magic wand and do the changing for them.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news (Okay, not really), but it just doesn't work that way folks. First of all, we (yes, we, myself included) cannot simply wait on some outside force to come along to make us want to change. The “want to” has to be deep within us, or else any “change” that takes place is merely surface level and makes no real difference in how we live our lives. And not one person on earth can change another person. [Note: I said no one “on earth.” I am a strong believer in the power of spirituality in a person's life.] No matter how badly you might want to, if the other person in the relationship doesn't want, doesn't desire to make a change for the better, they won't. They might act like they are changing, but it is just that, an act. Sure, almost everyone wants to be a better person, but not everyone is willing to do what it takes to become a better person.

The other party in this scenario is not without fault either. I've known several people who I classify as “rescuers,” who want to save the other person and believe that they have what it takes to inspire the other person to change for the better. They like to feel that they are helping someone else along their path to change. Although I definitely think that it is helpful to have someone in your corner when you are trying to get your life in order, I know from experience that you cannot rely on that person to make the change for you. It's up to the individual alone to decide, first, that they want to change, and second, that they will do whatever necessary to make positive changes in their life. And, let's be real here, wouldn't you rather be with someone who inspires you to be the best version of yourself?

I like to reference an analogy I heard in my youth group meeting about a hundred years ago. If someone is standing on a chair, it is much easier to pull the person on the chair off than it is for the person standing on the chair to pull the other person up. The ideal situation, at least in my humble opinion, is to have two people standing on the chair, together.

I sincerely hope that you, the reader, don't think that I am advocating totally writing anyone off who doesn't have it all together. If that were the case, I wouldn't even hang out with myself because Lord only knows, I don't have everything all figured out. But I have figured out that I've spent entirely too much time trying to make other people something that they're not, and something that they're just not quite ready to be. It's time that I quit seeking someone to rescue and to change, and start seeking someone who inspires me to be the best me possible. A true give-and-take for both parties that results in both individuals being the best version of themselves.

So if you ever catch yourself thinking, “I'll change when 'The One' comes along,” or “I'm waiting on someone to motivate me to change,” reflect on this wise saying that was inside the fortune cookie I ate the other day: “To be loved, be loveable.” What are you waiting for? Be the best version of yourself, for yourself.